A Rose By Any Other Name
by Boyfrom0z
Summary: Switching between Yuki and Shuichi's POV as they try to figure out if they really can be together. Rated for boy/boy, a bit of violence, and some swearing.
1. Chapter 1: Shuichi

_Note: This was a total experiment on my part and I hope it worked. I switched back and forth between Shuichi's and Yuki's point of view, showing each scene from both POVs so it's more about style/character/voice than plot. I wanted to see how one event (or string of events) could seem different for different people as well just mess with writing for both of them. (This was my first time writing for Yuki, but it was acutally pretty fun.)  
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_And no, I don't own Gravitation, which is sad._

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**Shuichi**

I rolled my eyes as Hiro insisted on doing _another_ take of his guitar part for our new single. I swear he'd done it fifty times already and listened to each recording at least twice before declaring himself dissatisfied. I just wanted to get on with it and go home – well back to Yuki's apartment.

I glanced up at the clock, it was quarter of six, almost time to call it quits as I was not in the mood to work late into the night. I sighed loudly and glanced over at K to see if he approved of Hiro's OCDness. K was polishing one of his guns and not paying any attention to me.

Hiro held the last chord for a moment longer than he had in the last take before setting down his guitar and exiting the recoding booth.

"Are you happy _now_?" I demanded.

"I haven't heard it yet, have I?" he said crossing to the soundboard and putting on headphones.

"Hiro!" I whined. "You've been at this _all day!_ If I'd known this was all we'd do today, I wouldn't have come."

"Can't you shut up for three minutes while I listen to this?"

"Can I leave yet?" I asked. If I had to bug him until he sent me away, so be it. I wanted out of here.

Hiro had his eyes closed and was listening to the track he'd just laid down.

"Hiro," I whined being as annoying as possible on purpose.

"Go, Shuichi," said Hiro without opening his eyes. My best friend always knew what I wanted – not that I was subtle.

I hugged him from behind and tore out of the studio ignoring everyone in my path. I ran out of the building and skidded to a halt. A very familiar car was parked in the no parking fire lane. My heart skipped a beat and for a moment I couldn't move.

"Are you just going to stand there?" called an annoyed voice from the car.

The sound of that voice unfroze my body and kicked it into overdrive. I practically flew over to the car, my eyes seeing nothing but the face in the open window.

"YUKI!" I screamed as I ran to the car, skidding to a halt once more so that I didn't crash right into it. I'd had a near accident with this car once already and I wasn't that keen to repeat the experience. I couldn't believe he was here. I had no idea why he'd come, but I didn't care.

"Well get in. You're out a little early," Yuki said.

I jumped into the car, my hands shaking with excitement as I struggled with the seatbelt.

"Hiro kept redoing his part – _all day!_ So I bugged him until he let me go." I grinned as I continued to fumble with the seatbelt.

"Imagine that."

I heard Yuki sigh and unbuckle his own seatbelt and the next thing I knew, his hands were on mine as he worked the seatbelt for me. I had to remind myself to breathe. He was so close to me. I could felt his breath on my neck as he clicked the buckle into place. I expected him to straighten up and drive off, but he didn't.

He leaned even closer to me his eyes locked on mine. He traced one hand up the seatbelt, across my chest, onto my shoulder, over my neck, and up onto my check.

"Yuki," I breathed in elated shock.

"Damn brat," he muttered in my ear. "Don't you know when to shut up?"

I felt myself go even redder.

"I guess I'll just have to make you," he whispered.

He kissed me.

My head was spinning as he pressed his lips to mine and I felt myself melting into him. This was all I wanted and surely it wasn't too much to ask. I felt his hand slide across my jaw line to the back of my neck and he pulled me closer. I was utterly oblivious to the rest of the world. It could have been Armageddon and I would have had no idea. Yuki was my whole world, the only thing that mattered to me. I was in heaven.


	2. Chapter 2: Yuki

**Yuki**

I couldn't have explained to myself why I was doing this, but I gave it a try anyway. (I was a writer after all and therefore good at making things up, right?) However, there was no reason on _earth_ why I should be drawn to a moron like that kid! It was ridiculous. Yet here I was, nearly half an hour before Shuichi would be done for the day, sitting in my car outside the N-G building waiting for him. I had a book with me, but it was closed on the backseat. I was just sitting there staring at the glass double doors waiting for my pink-haired lover to appear. I seriously needed to get a life.

I wished I knew what it was about the damn brat that was so damn appealing to me. It had to be more than just the fact that he was more devoted to me and cared more about me than anyone ever had before, but that was the only logical reason for me to put up with him. Was it just that? It couldn't be; it didn't make sense. But the alternative made even less sense. The only other reason I could see for my dealing with the little maniac was that I was in love with him. I had to be in love with him. Why the hell would I be in love with someone like him? I could find no reason whatsoever, but then again why the hell else would I be doing this?

I jerked out of my confused reverie at the sight of the door opening and someone bursting out of the building – a small, energetic, pink-haired someone. I tried very hard to ignore my heart's leap at the sight of Shuichi. He came charging out of the building as I rolled down the window to yell at him.

It took him an annoyingly long time to notice my car parked right in front of him and when he did see it he froze like I was pointing a gun at him.

"Are you just going to stand there?" I demanded using an annoyed tone to cover up my delight at the sight of my little singer.

One more moment passed and then he was charging forward again.

"YUKI!" he screamed in his strange, shrill voice.

I wished he wouldn't scream so much. It wasn't good for his voice and it drove me up the wall.

He skidded to a halt outside of the car and stared at me, his eyes wide with shock and joy.

"Well get in," I told him, still hiding my feelings in my cold nature. "You're out a little early."

He sprung into the car, slamming the door shut, and babbled as he tried to work his seatbelt.

"Hiro kept redoing his part – _all day!_ So I bugged him until he let me go." He grinned at me.

"Imagine that."

So he _knew_ how annoying he could be? Well, _that_ changed everything_._ I had to hide my own grin.

He was still struggling with his seatbelt and I saw his problem at once. His hands were shaking so badly he couldn't get the thing buckled. I wondered if there was anything wrong or if he was just that excited to see me. Knowing Shuichi as I did, I was inclined to suspect the latter.

I sighed and undid my own seatbelt. I leaned over him and heard his breath catch. I had to admit it; I was working at keeping mine even. I gently moved his trembling hands away and buckled his seatbelt for him. I was about to move away from him when I felt that inescapable pull stronger than ever.

I ran my hand along the dark strip of material, following the line across his chest and onto his shoulder. I felt his neck arch in pleasure as I moved my fingers over his pale skin to his cheek.

"Yuki," he whispered, clearly surprised and pleased by my sudden display of affection.

"Damn brat," I muttered in his ear. "Don't you know when to shut up?" Could this kid seriously not go thirty seconds without saying something?

I saw the flush grow in his cheeks. It was so cute. I couldn't help myself but to embarrass him a bit more. I knew he'd thank me for it later.

"I guess I'll just have to make you," I breathed.

I kissed him.

At first he seemed too surprised to react, but he was soon melting against me. I slid my hand along his jaw to the back of his head, tangling my fingers in his pink spikes as I pulled him closer. Why was he all I wanted? Maybe I would never know. I couldn't help showing him how I truly felt when I kissed him. My yearning (my _love_?) for him slipped through my protective walls of cold indifference and I knew he could feel the passion in my lips. Even now that he had some idea of my past, he would never be able to truly understand why I was the way I was, why I would never be free to love him the way he wanted me to – the way I wanted to. Did I really want to love _him_ or did I just want to know I was capable of loving again?

Before I could ponder this question, I heard a loud cough from Shuichi's still open window and pulled my lips from his to see who had dared to interrupt us. My hand remained on the back of his head as we both looked around to see who was there. I groaned inwardly as I saw the one person who might actually have the right to interrupt me.


	3. Chapter 3: Shuichi

**Shuichi**

I vaguely registered a coughing outside of the car. I only realized the noise was directed at us when Yuki pulled away from me and looked round. I was about to protest when I too looked to see who was there.

If I could have picked one person in the world to _not_ see Yuki kissing me it would have been my boss, Tohma.

Yuki's fingers were still tangled in my hair as he glared up at his brother-in-law and I turned bright red.

I felt sick. Of all the people to see us together it just had to be Tohma, the guy who wanted me away from Yuki more than anyone else. I was so fired. Not to mention Tohma was being a total creeper. Seriously? Who looks into other people's cars like that? Who _kept_ looking into other people's cars when the people inside were kissing? (Well, besides Tohma?)

"Eiri-san," said Tohma conversationally.

If looks could kill Tohma would have been on the fast track to the morgue and Yuki would have been up for first-degree murder. Even I, who had seen Yuki's death look several times before, couldn't help feeling afraid, but Tohma somehow kept his voice nonchalant and his smile placid.

"You know, I'd really appreciate if it you'd do that where I didn't have to watch," Tohma continued in that now-I'm-going-to-kill-you-with-a-smile-on-my-face tone he had.

"And I'd really appreciate it if you'd mind your own damn business. Maybe you didn't get the memo, but I'm old enough to take care of myself now," Yuki returned in a voice that suggested he was suppressing the urge to lean out the window and throttle his brother-in-law.

"You know, I'm not sure you are, Eiri-san, especially if you can't control that temper of yours. It might get you, or _him_," he added pointy, "into trouble." Tohma smiled his signature "Die Bitch Die Smile." He must be seriously pissed at Yuki (and me) to go at him like that.

I could almost feel Yuki snap at his words. His body went ridged and he pushed himself away from me. I could almost hear his inner voice telling him to keep breathing and to stay calm. I shot him a frightened glance and saw that "I am not only capable of killing you, but I am also not above it" look in his eyes. I looked back at Tohma who could tell he'd crossed the line with his jab at Yuki's temper.

He took a step away from the car.

"I'll see you around, Eiri-san," he said in a shaky voice as he continued to back away from the car.

"Tohma," Yuki said in carrying, deadly whisper. "I'm sure you know to leave us alone if you value your sad excuse for a life, which I happen to know you do."

I for one was ready to start running in the opposite direction and Yuki's furry wasn't even aimed at me. I fought the urge to grab the door handle in case I needed to make a quick exit.

"See you at the studio on Monday, Shinduo-san!" Tohma called as he turned and started to hurry towards the carpark. "Good-bye Eiri-san!" He was gone.

Yuki slowly turned his head and stared out of the windshield. Without moving his eyes from the road, he re-buckled his seatbelt and clamped his shaking hands down on the steering wheel.

"Yuki?" I whispered in a frightened voice. He'd seemed so happy only minutes ago, but since when did good things last?

Suddenly he jerked out of his furious and frozen reverie, started the car, and slammed his foot down on the accelerator.

Thinking you are about to die at any moment is a very good way to take your mind off of things. Should you ever need to distract yourself, you should try riding in a car with a seriously pissed-off murderer. It's very effective.

At every turn, every light, every lane change, I thought it was going to be the end. When Yuki swerved into the parking garage I had to swallow my sigh of relief. Yuki got out of the car and slammed the door behind him much harder than was necessary. Even in the dim, florescent light, I could see he was still shaking badly with barely suppressed rage. I sat stunned, still working on wrapping my mind around the fact that we had not been killed in a car wreck.

Suddenly the door beside me burst open. I spun my head around to see that Yuki had thrown it open. Apparently I had not gotten out of the car fast enough on my own. I quickly forced myself out of my shocked state, unbuckled my seat belt, and got out of the car. Yuki slammed the door shut so hard I was surprised that the window didn't shatter.

"Yuki?" I asked in a more than slightly tremulous voice. I knew Tohma had crossed the line, but wasn't this a bit of an over reaction? I mean, being mad at him was one thing and I knew taking shit out on me was a bit of a habit of Yuki's, but I hadn't seen him this mad in a really, _really_ long time.

His only response was to grab my wrist and start pulling me off towards the elevator. However, he did not seem to have the patience to wait for it and so he dragged me up the stars and down the hall to his apartment.

"Yuki!" I gasped as I struggled to keep up with him as he yanked me through the door into the living room. "You're hurting me!"

He threw me down onto the sofa where I lay panting and staring up at him as he stood towering over me.

"Well?" he demanded as if he'd asked me a question and I was refusing to answer.

I could only gaze up at him in fear and horror, holding my wrist to my chest. I could almost feel it bruising. I had no idea what I might have done to make him so angry. I knew why he should be mad at Tohma, but I couldn't see how it was my fault.

"Yuki?"


	4. Chapter 4: Yuki

**Yuki**

Even if Tohma thought he had to protect me, that didn't mean he could keep interrupting my life like this.

"Eiri-san," he said conversationally.

I stared at him with a look that said, "If I didn't owe you what little sanity I've managed to retain to you, I would kill you, even though we're sort of related."

"You know, I'd really appreciate it if you'd do that where I didn't have to watch," said Tohma smiling his I'd-really-enjoy-killing-you-right-now smile.

Since when was inside my own car someplace where he had to watch, even if I was outside his building? I mean, who goes around sticking there face into other people's cars? Well, other than Tohma...

"And I'd really appreciate it if you'd mind your own damn business. Maybe you didn't get the memo, but I'm old enough to take care of myself now." Just because Tohma had "helped" me in my youth (Okay, so he'd totally saved my ass, but being in New York in the first place had been _his_ fault!) did not give him permission to run my life now. I could make out with Shuichi whenever and wherever I damn well pleased.

"You know, I'm not sure you are, Eiri-san, especially if you can't control that temper of yours. It might get you, or _him_," he added nastily, "into trouble."

I felt my entire body go ridge with furry. That he would dare to even _think_ I would hurt Shuichi! I pushed myself away from the frightened-looking singer. I tried to tell myself to keep breathing and stay calm, but once a killer, always a killer, right? and Tohma was getting way too close to the top of my "To Kill" list for anyone's good. I could feel myself shaking and I saw Tohma take a quick step away from the car.

"I'll see you around, Eiri-san," he said as he backed off. I barely heard him.

"Tohma," I growled in a deadly voice that escaped my throat through clenched teeth. "I'm sure you know to leave us alone if you value your sad excuse for a life, which I happen to know you do." I knew he could see the "I can (and just might) kill you" glint in my eyes.

"See you at the studio on Monday, Shinduo-san!" Tohma called as he turned to escape. "Good-bye Eiri-san!" He was gone.

I sat there, shaking with rage. On some level, I knew I was over-reacting, but that level and the majority of my brain did not seem to be communicating. I slowly pulled my eyes onto the road, but I couldn't keep it in focus. I felt my hands pulling my seatbelt back on and then gripping the steering wheel. I tried to not picture Tohma's blood on my hands, but that was a better image than the one he had planted in my mind.

His suggestion that I might hurt Shuichi had grown into a full-blown and utterly horrible mental scene. It didn't make a lot of sense, but there it was, nightmarishly clear.

I was kneeling in Yuki's apartment in New York, not the way it had been when I'd last seen it, but the way it had been that night so long ago. My hands were shaking and the gun was on the floor next to me. Blood was dripping from my fingers and spattered across my face. There was a small, broken body crumpled on the floor in the way Yuki's had been. The pink hair was stained with the same blood that was on my hands. His eyes were wide and they stared blankly at me. He was dead. He was dead and I had killed him.

"Yuki?" Shuichi's slightly quavering voice shattered the image in my mind.

I snapped back to reality, the only thought in mind was to put as much distance as possible between Tohma and myself – if only for his safety. And of course it would not do to kill Shuichi's boss in front of him. I jerked up the parking break, jammed the car into drive, and slammed my foot down on the accelerator. The car shot forward. I knew I was driving recklessly, proving Tohma's point about my fiery tempter, but I could not motivate myself to care – even if my inability to not drive with my emotions really could result in Shuichi's death.

I swerved the car into the parking garage under my apartment building. The car bumped up onto the curb, but I paid it no mind. I barely avoided hitting the car parked in the spot next to mine as I pulled into it. I could feel myself trembling with furry as I got out of the car and slammed the door. I started towards the stairs, but stopped when I realized Shuichi wasn't following.

I returned to the car to find the little idiot still sitting there looking stunned. I jerked the car down open and waited. It took him a moment to catch up with the rapid movement, but then he unbuckled his seatbelt and got out of the car.

"Yuki?" he asked uncertainly.

I could not answer. My throat wasn't working.

My, shall we say enthusiasm? to prove my love for Shuichi combined with my hatred for Tohma was a dangerous mix.

I grabbed Shuichi's wrist as he hesitated by the car and started to drag him with me to the stairs. I was blind with rage. I could barely find my own apartment.

I couldn't think straight. Once you've had blood on your hands you stop thinking about the consequences of your actions, you stop worrying about killing a human being and start thinking about the feeling of power as their life comes away in your hands.

Murder is addictive.

Really addictive.

Even if you didn't mean it.

Even if you think you regret it.

Once you've killed someone, you know how easy it would be to do it again. You know it can't hurt you the second time.

Murder is addictive.

I had tried so hard for so long to suppress it, but even now the tinniest thing would send me over the edge and Tohma's words had pushed me _way_ over.

I pulled Shuichi into the living room, his words barely penetrating my flaming mind.

"Yuki!" he cried. "You're hurting me!"

I will never hurt him, Tohma! You just wait and- what?

Something of what my lover had said reached me.

I threw him down onto the sofa where he lay, sprawled on his back, panting and holding his wrist to his chest.

"Well?" I said, gazing down at him.

Go on, Shuichi. Say it. Say I hurt you. Say I'm crazy. Say you're leaving. Say you hate me. Let me hear it.

I could not explain this sudden masochism. I guess I just wanted him to, for once, give me what I knew I disserved. I didn't disserve his love, especially not now. I knew I'd totally lost control. I wanted to hear it from his lips.

"Yuki?" he whispered. _Why did you hurt me?_ I could see it in his eyes.

"Gone on," I said sharply. "Say it."

"Say what?" he asked, his voice broken by the tears I could see shimmering in his eyes.

I tried to formulate the right words, but I couldn't find them. I just stood there, breathing heavily and watching him. He was in physical pain because of me. It seemed horribly right somehow that after all this time I'd finally physically hurt him. I knew I'd broken his heart before. I hated myself for it and I'd tried so hard to put it back together for him even though it was against my nature. This was, however, this first time he'd come out and told me I was hurting him. I was sure not everything I'd done to him had felt great, but tomorrow morning there'd be a bruise in the shape of my hand on his arm as a visible reminder of the person I really was. I wished I could be the person he wanted me to be, but I wasn't. I was a killer.

"I don't understand," he said at last.

"This is who I am, Shuichi," I said. My voice was shaking and hoarse.

"I won't say it," said Shuichi with sudden understanding.

"I know you're thinking it," I spat without stopping to wonder if he was thinking what I thought he was thinking.

"I love you," he whispered.

"What?" It was all I could think of to say. He'd completely thrown me, just as he always did.

Shuichi sat up slowly, still holding his wrist.

"I love you," he said again. "Nothing can ever change that."

I would never understand him. I go completely berserk on him; I nearly get both of us killed in a car crash about a hundred times; I yank him up the stairs by his wrist; I throw him down on the sofa and say a bunch of things that don't make any sense and what does he do? He tells me he loves me. What was _with_ that kid? How could he say that now? He could he still even believe it? How could he love me?


	5. Chapter 5: Shuichi

**Shuichi**

"Gone on. Say it," Yuki snarled in a voice that was both cold as death and wildly feral.

"Say what?" I asked in a shaking voice. I could feel tears stinging my eyes and tightening my throat. What was wrong with him? Why was he so angry with me? I didn't understand. My wrist hurt and my Yuki looked like he wanted to see me dead. I'd seen that look in his eyes before, it was that "I am not only capable of killing you, but I am also not above it" look, but I had never seen it directed at me. "I don't understand," I said at last. They were the only words I could find, but they were not nearly enough.

"This is who I am, Shuichi," Yuki said, his voice shaky and hoarse. Even though he looked like he could kill me with a single move, I could see behind his eyes the vulnerable child he had once been.

I knew Yuki was killer. I knew it, but I didn't care.

I knew Yuki had broken my heart a thousand times and I knew he'd physically hurt me only minutes before. I knew, but I didn't care.

And I knew what he wanted me to say. I knew why he was so furious. It wasn't at me that his rage was directed or even really at Tohma, although his words had been the trigger. The object of his fury was himself, his weakness that he tried so hard to hide, his inability to truly be with someone he loved, his bloodstained passed. He wanted me to voice everything he hated about himself. He wanted me to treat him the way he thought he deserved to be treated. He wanted me to hate him.

"I won't say it."

"I know you're thinking it," he spat.

I was thinking it, but only because he was thinking it. (Did that even make sense?) I didn't hate him. I could never hate him. Not even if he killed Tohma. Not even if I lay dying on the floor because of him. I would never hate Yuki.

"I love you," I whispered.

"What?" He seemed totally stunned by my words. Didn't he know I loved him and always would?

I sat up carefully, still holding my wrist, which hurt. I made a mental note to wear long-sleeved shirts for the next couple of days. I knew the bruise would upset him (not to mention Hiro's reaction...). Yuki watched me, his gazing flicking from my wrist to my eyes, clearly searching for signs of pain there. I tried my best to make sure he found none.

"I love you," I said again. "Nothing can ever change that." When would he get through his head? _I_ was the stupid one!

Something inside Yuki seemed to snap. Nothing really changed about how he looked, but somehow it seemed the strings holding him up had loosened. I wasn't really sure what had happened and I waited for this change to manifest itself in words that I prayed would make sense.

"Damn brat," he muttered running his fingers through his hair. I could see that his hand was shaking, but I could somehow tell that it was no longer from rage, instead it was like he crashing after a caffeine over-dose. "I never met anyone as stupid as you."

Told you I was the stupid one.

"Yuki, are you- are you Okay?" I asked cautiously.

He looked at me for a long moment. I could tell something explosive was going on inside his head, but I had no idea what it might be. Tinny hints of emotions flickered across his face: the ghost of a smile, the hint of pain in his eyes, the barest suggestion of self-disgust.

"Shuichi, I- I'm sorry." When he spoke, his voice was barely more than a whisper and did not sound like him at all.

"It's Okay," I said, standing up and moving towards him.

"No, no it's not!" he said, his self-hatred flaring up again.

"Yuki," I cried taking a step nearer to him, which he quickly countered, moving away from me.

"When are you going to understand how bad I am for you?" he shouted in a strangled voice that sounded like he was trying very hard not to shout.

"When are _you_ going to understand that I don't care?" I shouted back, unable to control myself any longer. I loved him! Did he really not get that? Did he really not understand what it meant to love someone? Had that man hurt him so badly in his childhood that he could not trust love at all? Why didn't he understand? I wanted to grab hold of him and scream, "I love you, damn it!" right into his ear and I would have done it too – if I'd thought it would do any good.

"Shuichi," he began in furious frustration.

"I'm not like him!" I screamed, tears springing to my eyes again. Why? Why could he not get that? I would never hurt him; I would never leave him; I would never do anything that other Yuki had done to him!

"But I am."

So that was it. That was the true issue here. Now I was truly beginning to understand. If Yuki wanted to work through issues, why couldn't he work on his inability to communicate? If that was what was bothering him, that he thought he was in some way like his former "mentor," why hadn't he said so? God!

Well, maybe he _has _tried to say so I just haven't even been listening properly. All those times he's said he didn't want to hurt me, all those times he pushed me away, maybe Yuki was trying to stop himself for being like that bastard. Oh Yuki...

I hung my head, ashamed of my lack of understanding, ashamed it had taken me so long to understand why he was the way he was – if I even understood now. I slowly raised my eyes and saw that he seemed to have taken my sudden deflation quite the wrong way.

He was watching me with more pain in his eyes than I had ever seen there before. He looked like I had agreed with him, like I had said, "yes, you are." But I hadn't! That wasn't what I meant! I was ashamed of my own behavior, not his! _I_ was, as always, the stupid one here, the one who'd messed up.

"Yuki," I began, lifting my head, desperate to rectify the apparent misunderstanding.

"Don't," he said coldly, turning away and heading for the door of the apartment.

"Yuki!"

"I said don't!"

He had reached the door. I had to call him back, had to make him understand, but my voice was lost in tears. I gasped for air through my tightening throat. Yuki had to understand! Yuki had to come back! Damn it, Shuichi! Where's your voice? You're a fucking singer for crying out loud!

"You're not," I finally forced out in a whisper.

He froze.

"You're not anything like him."


	6. Chapter 6: Yuki

**Yuki**

"Damn brat," I muttered running my fingers through my hair. My hands were shaking as if I'd just come off a bad high or was getting over a serious flu. Maybe I'd be Okay now; maybe I'd be able to control myself. The part of me that was able to step back at take a look, however, did not think so. "I never met anyone as stupid as you," I said. How could he say that he loved me? How? How could he trust me like that, especially now when he knew why I was the way was? I doubted he'd truly understood what my past meant, how it had changed me forever,

"Yuki, are you- are you Okay?" he asked, sounding frightened.

I looked at him for a long moment trying to bring my emotions into check. My head was full of battling feelings. He still cared about me. He wanted to know if _I_ was Okay when _he_ was the one in pain. I was almost happy. I could never give him what he needed and deserved and yet he would still be there not caring if I hurt him. I hurt him so much. He was hurt because of me. I hated myself. And that was only the beginning. Oh Shuichi, will you ever understand? I doubted it. What could I possibly say to him now?

"Shuichi, I- I'm sorry." My voice sounded foreign to my own ears. It was raspy, grated by years of unshed tears.

"It's Okay," he said, getting to his feet and taking a few steps towards me.

"No, no it's not!" I said sharply, my self-hatred and disgust rising in my chest like some horrible beast. It was not "Okay," of course it wasn't! Why couldn't he fucking see that?

"Yuki," he cried moving closer to me.

I quickly moved back, keeping the distance between us the same. Did I have to spell it out for him? Show him with physical space that we just could not be close to one another? I was too screwed up and he was in too much danger. I could not allow this. It was not Okay.

"When are you going to understand how bad I am for you?" I demanded, my voice coming out in a tangled mess as I tried (and failed) not to shout. What did I have to do to make him understand? I'd hurt him in every way possible – broken his heart and nearly broken his wrist. I'd yelled at him, ignored him, called him names and still he came back to me.

"When are _you_ going to understand that I don't care?" he exploded, taking me completely by surprise.

"Shuichi," I began, determined this time to get it through that damn brat's head that being with me could not possibly end well for him.

"I'm not like him!" screamed Shuichi, tears in his eyes.

God, he was so innocent. Even now that he'd figured out what aspect of my past was the problem, he _still _didn't understand. He thought that I feared for myself. I sighed internally. I really had to be horribly blunt with him, didn't I?

"But I am," I said at last. I hated to say it out loud, but it was the truth and I knew it. I had become like him, every part of me, right down to my name, was just like him, maybe even was him. I didn't know. I just knew that I somehow had to get Shuichi away from me and from this ghost that haunted my life and my soul. I could see now that nothing I could do was going to run him off so all I could do now was appeal to his lacking sense of logic. I had to talk him out of it. He must have _some_ sort of self-preservation instinct I could trigger. As much as I wanted him to stay (damn it, what was I thinking; I didn't want that damn brat around!), he had to get away from me for his own sake.

I looked down at him, trying to hide my shame just like I'd hidden every other emotion I'd had since returning to Japan. Shuichi's head was hanging; he was, for once, not looking at me.

I'd finally gotten through to him.

The realization was much more painful than I'd expected. I wanted him out of my life, right? This was for the best. But still, to know that he was finally judging me with the harshness I deserved hurt. To know I was going to lose him hurt even more. At least he understood. At least he knew what I truly was.

"Yuki," he said suddenly, looking up at me. There was a note of desperation in his voice. He was going to try to tell me that it wasn't true even though he knew it was.

"Don't," I said, forcing ice into my voice to cover up my pain. I turned and moved towards the door of the apartment. I just had to get the hell out of here. He could get his stuff and leave. We never had to see each other again.

Why did it hurt so much? If I loved him, which I didn't (right?) then this should be fine because it was for his own good. But then again, since when had I put others before myself? Damn it!

"Yuki!" he called after me.

"I said don't!"

I had to keep going. I couldn't look back. I knew if looked back and saw his broken heart, I would never be able to walk out of that door.

It's for your own good, Shuichi!

"You're not."

The whispered words stopped me dead.

No.

"You're not anything like him."

I turned around.

Shuichi stood there, tears on his face, silently begging me to come back to him.

I had to walk away.

I had to leave him to live his life.

I had to keep him safe.

I had to go back to him.

"You may think that you can't love someone anymore or that you can't be with someone or that you can't trust someone, but you're wrong," he said, his small voice shaky, yet bold. "I know you're wrong because I've seen you do all those things."

Oh Shuichi...

I shook my head. I knew I was fighting a loosing battle. I knew was going to go back to him. Damn it.

I wanted to tell him just how wrong he was, but all I could do was quietly ask: "When?"

"Every time you look at me without thinking."

What the hell?

"Whenever you forget to hid your emotions, whenever I catch you off guard, that's when I can really see you, that's when I can see that you love me and that you can be with me. And I know you trust me. If you didn't I wouldn't know all this stuff about you. If you didn't trust me, you wouldn't let me see you all that."

I sighed.

He was right way too often for an idiot. It wasn't good for my self-confidence.

He was right, though. I _did_ love. It _did_ seem that I could be with him; hell, I _had_ been with him for a while now. I _did_ trust him. I _did_ let him read me sometimes. He was the _only_ person I ever let my guard down around, the _only_ person who could say he'd caught me off guard. Well, the only person who was still living.

"Damn brat," I muttered because it was easier than saying that he was right, than voicing my emotions.

He smiled. He knew he'd won. And he was right.

I glared at him for a moment longer then signed and smiled just enough that he knew I had conceded this battle to him.

"Can I ask you one question?" he said, wiping the tears from his cheeks, relief glowing on his face.

"Sure," I said a bit grudgingly, but I owed it to him.

"Why did you come to pick me up?" he asked cautiously.

Speaking of catching me off guard. I had expected something a bit more serious than that at a time like this.

"I think you know that," I said, allowing myself a smirk. Hadn't I demonstrated why I'd gone to pick him up in the car before that idiot Tohma had shown-

Tohma! Damn it, why did I have to think about _him?_

Something of my sudden furry must have shown on my face because Shuichi called my name in an anxious voice.

"Yuki? What is it? What's wrong?"

"Tohma," I muttered darkly.

"Oh."

"If my sister wasn't married to him..."

Well that wasn't even my reason. It was more like "if your career didn't depend on him," but that sounded even more heartless, but hey when had that ever bothered me?

"Just ignore him. I do," said Shuichi, clearly trying to throw the topic off lightly.

"What do you mean?" I demanded at once. If Tohma had been hurting Shuichi or even bugging him at all that was the very last straw.

"Nothing," Shuichi said quickly, obviously worried by the tone of my voice and the glint in my eyes.

I sighed and tried to suppress that side of my nature.

"Come here, Shuichi," I said quietly, holding out my hand to him, the very hand that I had nearly broken his wrist with.

He hesitated for maybe two heartbeats before moving slowly towards me. As he approached, he raised his hand towards me. Already, his wrist was red and looked a little swollen.

He stopped a few feet in front of me, his eyes fixed not on me, but on the small gap between my fingers and his. I wondered what he was thinking, what he saw in that space.

I bridged the gap, closed the space between us.

I gently took his wrist and raised it to my face, causing him to take a few more steps nearer to me. I examined his pale skin, running one finger across the red mark on his skin.

"I'm sorry," I said softly.

For once the damn brat seemed to get that it was better to keep his mouth shut as his only reaction was to lower his eyes to the ground.

I ran my hand slowly up his arm to his shoulder, gently moving him closer to my body. He was, as he had always been, like putty in my hands, letting me ease him up against my chest. I could hear his breath catch in his throat as it always had whenever I touched him. I slid my hand around his back and felt his body go utterly limp in my arms as I bent my face close to his. I raised my other hand to his face, gently tipping his head up so that my lips could find those of my small lover.

Why?

I doubted I'd ever know, but who does really? The laws of love are a mystery even to the best of us and I'm certainly not in that category. And yet here I was, returning the love of a young man who was utterly infatuated with me even though he should fear me, hate me.

Why?

The only answer I could find was the one that I think people having been using for thousands of years, ever since they invited the question.

Why the hell not?


	7. Chapter 7: Shuichi

**Shuichi**

I could tell he was trying to leave me, I could see it in the way he held his body. I could also see he didn't want to.

No, who was I kidding? Why would he come back to me? Still I wanted him to. Of course I wanted him to. I wanted him to come back to me more than anything else in the world. I could feel the tears on my face as I begged without words for Yuki to come back.

He turned around.

I had to make him understand. I could see who he really was even if he couldn't. I could see past everything that he thought had permanently screwed him up. I could see the true Yuki buried deep under everything that had happened to him. I knew he had convinced himself that the old him, the true him, was gone, had died that night in New York with the other Yuki, but I could still see it there sometimes. I'd seen him do the things he thought he couldn't do. His past hadn't killed that part of his nature, just walled it off, blinded the rest of him to it. I had to make him understand that.

"You may think that you can't love someone anymore or that you can't be with someone or that you can't trust someone, but you're wrong," I said, my voice shaking, but determined to make him understand. "I know you're wrong because I've seen you do all those things."

Yuki shook his head. I thought he was going to argue with me, to tell me I was wrong, but it seemed I'd gotten to him at least a little because he didn't.

"When?" he asked quietly, his voice sounding tired and done with fighting me.

"Every time you look at me without thinking," I said, trying to explain something I myself did not really understand. I remembered when I'd seen that look in his eyes, but I didn't know how to put it into words. When he smiled at me without thinking about it, when he made an uncalculated move, when he did something that someone who did not know him well would find out of character, that was real Yuki. I floundered on, trying to put my thoughts and emotions into words. "Whenever you forget to hid your emotions, whenever I catch you off guard, that's when I can really see you, that's when I can see that you love me and that you can be with me." What else did he think was wrong? I had to cover all my bases or he'd shatter my argument like china on a stone floor. "And I know you trust me. If you didn't I wouldn't know all this stuff about you. If you didn't trust me, you wouldn't let me see all that."

I gulped back my tears, afraid of what he was going to say, of how he was going to prove me wrong and turn me away. I tried to hide my desperation, biting my lip and begging for him to understand. I was right; I knew I was right, but had I gotten my point across? Would he agree? He never agreed with me, never let me be right, even when I was. Before now I had hardly ever argued with him for fear of how he would react, but it didn't really matter now, did it?

Yuki sighed.

I looked up, feeling the air catch in my throat as I watched for his reaction. He looked almost ... resigned.

"Damn brat," he muttered and I knew I'd finally convinced him – finally won.

I smiled, relief flooding my body, and he smiled too. He smiled that faint yet true smile that only I was ever permitted to see. I could hardly believe that I was seeing it now when I had thought I was moments away from loosing Yuki forever. I wanted to fling myself into his arms, to cry out his name to the heavens, and to hold him forever. I wanted him to kiss me, to whisper my name in my ear, and to promise would never let me go. But somehow I controlled myself. Just knowing he wasn't about to turn and walk out of my life forever was enough.

One thing was still vaguely pulling at the edge of my brain. What was it?

"Can I ask you one question?" I said, raising a shaky hand to wipe tears from my face.

"Sure," he consented in his usual, rough way.

"Why did you come to pick me up?" I asked slowly.

He gave me a strange look and I suppose it was a strange question, but it was bothering me. It had been very out of character.

"I think you know that," he replied, a smirk playing across the corners of his lips.

Oh Yuki! You really do love me!

I could have swooned with joy, but a shadow suddenly flickered across Yuki's face, darkening his eyes.

"Yuki?" I asked fearfully. "What is it? What's wrong?"

Oh god, I thought it was going to Okay. I thought I'd finally won him over to some kind of light. Don't let his past suck him back into darkness now, not right when I was so close to being able to hold him forever!

My heart was suddenly racing and fear was threatening to obliterate my mind.

"Tohma," muttered Yuki.

"Oh," I said, just barely managing to hide my relief. Tohma was nothing. Well, Tohma was a nasty bastard, but compared to murder, Tohma was nothing.

"If my sister wasn't married to him..." Yuki snarled.

Okay, so maybe Tohma was right up there with murder.

"Just ignore him. I do," I said quickly, trying to keep my tone light and move the conversation on to topics that did not inspire Yuki to bloodshed.

"What do you mean?" he demanded immediately, clearly ready to go punch in Tohma's face for anything he might have done to me.

"Nothing." I hurried to placate him. Tohma might be unpleasant to say the least, but that didn't mean Yuki had to kill him or anything. I knew he was massively jealous of me and that this was his reason for making my work life (with the expectation of Hiro) one of the circles of hell, but somehow I didn't think Yuki going after him would improve his attitude towards me.

Yuki sighed and it seemed his inclination to go kill my boss/his brother-in-law had passed.

"Come here, Shuichi," he said in a low voice, holding one of his perfect hands of out to me.

For a moment, I hesitated. It wasn't even a conscience decision, but I guess some part of my brain overruled my heart for a moment under the pretence that Yuki had just about broken my wrist, but I would not let sense rule me. When had I ever?

I moved towards him, my hand rising to meet his, both of us with our eyes taking in my wrist, which was red and a bit swollen. I wished I could hide it from him somehow. I didn't blame him for it at all. He wasn't a bad person and he could control himself sometimes.

God, if Hiro could hear he now, he'd be giving me hell and telling me that I sounded like a battered women or something, but it was true. Yuki had never meant to hurt me; he'd been horrified at what he'd done and not even Hiro could deny that he truly did love me.

I stopped a few paces from Yuki, my fingers outstretched towards him with only a small gap between mine and his. In that gap was everything. Every time Yuki had tried to push me away, every time I'd come back to him. Every name Yuki had ever yelled at me, every word I'd refused to hear. Every time he'd condemned himself, every time I'd shown him the truth. I could almost see the energy between our fingers. It was like trying to hold two strong magnets apart, like trying to pull the moon from its orbit.

Yuki's fingers touched mine for a moment then he moved his hand and gently took my wrist, just above the red mark. He raised my wrist to his face to examine it and I was pulled closer to him.

I watched his golden eyes surveying the damage he had done and wished that he wouldn't dwell on it.

Look at me, Yuki, I begged silently. Look at me, not that.

"I'm sorry," he said softly.

I lowered my eyes, feeling inexplicably guilty. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't help it.

Forget that, Yuki. It will heal. We're what matters. That won't even leave a scar, not even a mark. But our love, that will. That will heal the deepest scar and leave the most perfect mark. You know it, Yuki. Please. Please know it.

He ran his hand slowly up my arm to my shoulder and I could hardly breathe at the feeling of his hand on my skin. Yuki gently pulled my body to his and I, of course, gave no protest as he eased my up against his warm chest. I was utterly surrendered to his will and would have done anything he'd suggested with the merest touch of his hand. It couldn't be healthy, but there was no force on earth that could pull me from him now.

I felt his hand slid my across my back and my breath seemed to leave my body for good. Yuki was bending over me and it was all I could do I keep myself standing; I still probably would have fallen had he not had an arm around me, holding me close. He raised his free hand to my chin, tipping my face towards his. I could feel his warm breath on my face and it was paradise.

Yuki's lips found mine and if someone had told me I'd died and gone to heaven, I would have believed them no questions asked. Of course Yuki had kissed me many times before and he had kissed me with much more passion that he was showing now; he had even occasionally shown more need, but this, this was something all together new.

I didn't know quite how to describe it. Gentle and soft, yes, but that was not what was making me feel so lightheaded. Tender and kind, yes, but that was also not what was making me lose myself to him.

This kiss was love, pure and simple – nothing more, nothing less – and it was all I needed.

* * *

_So that was my experiment. I'd really love some feed-back on the voices and such. Hope you guys enjoyed it!_


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